I’ve Been

Have you ever felt like you are totally alone? That no one understands you? That things will always be this way?

I’ve been there. Throughout my life, I always felt “different”. I didn’t feel as if I fit in, really anywhere. I wore different masks to blend in, like a chameleon. I thought no one would notice, but deep down inside me I still felt empty.

This emptiness feeling was because I was not being my authentic self. I would wear that special outfit that I knew was in style when I would be with a group of people who all would wear the same outfit/brand/style it didn’t matter. One day it would be running shoes, another a flowy dress. Someone told me I look “good” with my hair up, so every time I seen him, guess what. Yup, I wore my hair up.

I was running so fast trying to be everything for everyone else, but I lost myself. Who was I? What was my purpose? Maybe it was to work, get married, have kids, wash the clothes, cook, all those things I saw other successful people do, or at least they looked happy. Deep down I wasn’t happy.

Fear of judgement was huge. I wanted to look successful, happy, and full of energy, but from major traumas that I hid as best as I could but deep down was this volcano of pain that was ready to erupt.

I believe the universe will orchestrate things to happen if you don’t. Well, for me it turned into a spiral of addiction, over working, over pleasing, over doing anything to be the perfect person I so thought I wanted to be. Addicted to pills, alcohol sure but being addicted to over pleasing, etc.? It turned out that it was the validation I always craved. That was the root source of my hot lava. As for the pills, that started after a car accident, and my body became so dependent on it, I would take something before leaving the  house just in case I would be in pain! Sometimes at night I would relax with a drink, or two, or three not even realizing that this was turning into a habit, and ultimately an addiction.

Eventually my body and emotions took over, and I spiraled down to the point I couldn’t get out of bed. Asking for help wasn’t even in my vocabulary. Quickly, I saw the life I wanted so badly slip away.

I was flat on the floor, crying. I didn’t even know what I was crying about! Everything I felt, everything I wanted and at that point I felt like a complete failure.

How did I climb out from bottom of this volcano? I first tried to fake it, that didn’t work. Finally, the only thing that helped, is doing the one thing I never wanted to do, and it was to ask for help. I went to my doctor and he sent me to a recovery home. I was shocked that there were people just like me, not on the streets, but average people that  had one thing in common. We wanted to numb the pain.

After an intense 21-day program, I learned that I could make boundaries, I learned I could say no, and I learned that it is okay to be authentic. I started on a journey, although bumpy at times to self acceptance, and more importantly, self love.

My final words; you’re not alone.

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